Funny Little Frog: Dear MEMBERFIRSTNAME: A translation

Today, I received an email from the football club I am a paying member of, the Newcastle Jets. That email was letting us members know that Nathan Tinkler's Hunter Sports Group were not going to be handing back the A-League license they had agreed to hold for 10 years (after about 18 months). I could go in to more detail but the main purpose of this post is to publish my interpretation of that letter.

Dear MEMBERFIRSTNAME: A translation by Xavier Cobolt

Dear MEMBERFIRSTNAME,

“We are aware you have been through a tough month after the Hunter Sports Group (HSG) returned its A-League licence. With all the confusion surrounding the situation, it was difficult to clearly understand what this meant for the future of the Newcastle Jets. Be assured, during this time our commitment to football and the region has never wavered.”

Well, it looks like we have to keep the team so we are about to eat out hat but not in the way you will like

“We are pleased to confirm that following a series of confidential negotiations with the Football Federation of Australia (FFA), the HSG has agreed to continue and honour its 10 year licence agreement.”

We realised we had no legal right to hand back the license and will now make it look like we always wanted to keep the team

“This outcome quite simply would not have been possible without Nathan Tinkler's generosity, the total commitment of HSG's CEO Troy Palmer or the passion and enthusiasm shown by our members towards the Newcastle Jets.”

Here's where we insist we were the good guys all along and that the club would be nothing without our benevolence, despite all evidence to the contrary and your instincts.

“We take confidence from the FFA's determination to have the HSG continue its work with the community, to continue building a model that is recognised as the best in the league. We now take this confidence forward.”

“FFA's determination to have the HSG continue its work “ Read: FFA's insistence we honour our legally binding contract. We're actually doing some of that hat eating right now, but we don't know how to actually admit that we were in the wrong.

“We also would like to thank our members for fighting for the existence of an A-League team in the Hunter.”

Yes, we noticed how pissed off you were. Even held a rally. But now you should love us again.

“Unfortunately there has been a lot of inaccuracies written and spoken in the media about this process and how it unfolded. This is not the time for recriminations. It is a time to celebrate that decisions have now been made and are being made that will benefit football and ensure a much more secure future for the code throughout Australia.”

Unfortunately, the press actually used our press releases. A lot of those inaccuracies were actually ours but we'll make it seem like we were all misunderstood. This is not a time for recriminations, mainly because we'd cop most of it. Now lets move on and pretend this never happened.

“It will not benefit the healing process to elaborate on the Jets license fee and how it came about, the long running Jason Culina insurance matter and what steps are now being introduced to ensure that the A-League becomes a great football competition with a sustainable financial structure and business plan.”

It will not benefit the healing process to elaborate on the Jets license fee and how it came about, because we already knew full well how it came about and realise it was completely legal and we negotiated it; the long running Jason Culina insurance matter is being dealt with adequately and independently, as it was before we attempted to hand back the license; and the steps that are now being introduced to improve the A-League are the same steps that were in place before we tried to hand back the license. Did we mention moving on and pretending nothing ever happened?

“We are pleased to confirm after detailed negotiation and discussion, the HSG and the FFA have agreed on a conciliatory outcome. This is a great win for the Hunter region with the Newcastle Jets remaining in the A-League and the competition restructured with a more secure financial footing and base.”

We are pleased to confirm that we finally decided to actually meet with the FFA and do some hat-eating but rather than tell you that, we will make it look like we whipped the FFA in to shape and have changed the A-League for the better

“There are still many innovations and changes to be made to make the A-League an even better competition and for the Jets to rebuild a team around our many exciting young local talents but with the best of endeavours and spirits we are moving forward.”
We'll let Robbie Middleby actually write this paragraph

“We thank the many members, fans and corporate partners for their support and for the many that understood our position that was to take a stand when there was no other option.”

We thank the members for sticking around while we had a hissy fit because we couldn't get our way, now we have realised we actually have to do the right thing. But in reality we'll just make it look like we fought the good fight and won

“Above all, to the players, management and coaching staff who showed your true support and loyalty, thank you. You are the true believers.”

Thank fuck you guys are actually still around! But we guess you didn't really have a choice

“Now is the time to unite as our focus returns to football and winning Championships for the Hunter.”

Now is the time to forget what dicks we have been and let's go back to you guys thinking we're awesome again. Please?

“We offer you our hand to come back on board for a truly exciting ride.”
Token line to make it seem like you're actually a part of this

“Kind Regards”
Fuck you guys, we'd totally be outta here if using bully-boy tactics worked as well in the world of football as it did in the business world